


Michael and Sasha are Roommates. Also it's a chatfic because I'm a clown

by flowers_and_lavender



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Aromantic Sasha James, Because gross, Chatting & Messaging, Everybody Lives, Fluff, Hezekiah Wakely - Freeform, I do what I want, JUST LIKE THAT STUPID POT, Stabbing, aro sasha, but without the romance, chatfic au, i am. very tired, in this house we do NOT respect notsasha, it isn't mentioned but i said so, jared hopworth is HOMOPHOBIC, just. people being friends, michael and sasha are FRIENDS, michael has knife hands, michael is. gay, not sashas do NOT interact, or whatever, painful puns, think of a rom com, yeah i'm aro what about it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:08:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24729487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowers_and_lavender/pseuds/flowers_and_lavender
Summary: F-CK IT! MICHAEL & SASHA ROOMMATES AUWhat if Michael saved Sasha from the Not Them and then they became best friends so sasha moved into the hallways and michael set aside her own wing of the spiral and they were roommatesoh my gosh they were roommatesand they are  b u d d i e s. that's it that's the fic.also there's an avatar discord server because I'm basic and have never had an original idea in my life.
Relationships: Michael Shelley - Relationship, Sasha James & Michael Shelley
Comments: 27
Kudos: 82





	1. p i c n i c

**Author's Note:**

> no sadness, very little canon, just sasha and michael being FRIENDS!!! I wrote the first four chapters of this in one (1) manic episode day so. be gentle.  
> it's all texting! because if I try to write descriptions the little adhd gremlin in my brain says "ooh shiny words" and gets distracted like a cat.  
> anyway i put very little effort into this but i think it's fun and I had fun writing it so ! enjoy  
> also my tumblr is @harmony-wheat-pearls :) come follow me, occasionally I'm funny

September 4 - 10:17 AM

 **sashaaa:** a picnic

 **sashaaa:** really

 **Distortion:** Yes.

 **sashaaa:** Michael we've lived in the same house for a month

 **sashaaa:** no thats a bad word

 **sashaaa:** we've lived in the same horrifying madness hellscape for a month

 **sashaaa:** and I don't think Ive ever seen you eat

 **sashaaa:** do you even need food??? or????

 **Distortion:** Who is to say what we need and what we don't? What even does "need" mean?

 **Distortion:** Humans say they "need" food and water and air. But they also say they "need" the person they love.

 **Distortion:** And oftentimes they even simplify it to "need"ing new things, those fragile things of the material world.

 **Distortion:** So what does it mean to need something? Must something be vital to one's survival for it to be a need?

 **sashaaa:** michael

 **Distortion:** Or is a need simply something we have a strong desire for?

 **sashaaa:** michael so help me

 **Distortion:** And who can say, really? Who or what can truly define the real meaning of words?

 **sashaaa:** BAD DISTORTION! BAD! NO OMINOUS MONOLOGUING

 **Distortion:** Reality shifts. No word has one true meaning, even if one writes down a definition in a dictionary. The experiences and fallible memory of man can never be truly pinned down in something as flimsy as a book.

 **sashaaa:** MICHAEL DON'T MAKE ME GET THE SPRAY BOTTLE

 **Distortion:** sorry I got excited

 **sashaaa:** happens to the best of us

 **sashaaa:** do you like chips

 **Distortion:** Yes

 **sashaaa:** okay then we can have a picnic


	2. *jazz hands but the hands are actually knives*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "911 what's your emergency"  
> "i have knife hands"  
> "excuse me?"  
> "i looked down, and my hands were knives"  
> "your hands are knives?"  
> "yeah"  
> "can you put the knives down?"  
> "no they're my hands"  
> "alright well where are you"  
> "I don't want knife hands"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really am the biggest clown in the circus

September 21 - 11:49 AM

 **sashaaa:** PICNIC TIME!!! :D

 **Distortion** : I'm sorry Sasha I'm going to be a little late 

**Distortion** : I… had to take care of something

 **Distortion** : I'm leaving the spiral now

 **sashaaa:** thats okay!

 **sashaaa:** wait a minute

 **sashaaa:** are you torturing someone so you can throw them into the Spiral again

 **Distortion:** No

 **Distortion:** Well

 **Distortion:** Maybe

 **sashaaa:** MICHAEL WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS

 **sashaaa:** YOU CAN'T DRIVE PEOPLE INSANE W

 **Distortion:**?

 **sashaaa:** sorry hit send before I was finished

 **sashaaa:** YOU CAN'T DRIVE PEOPLE INSANE WHEN WE HAVE PLANS

 **Distortion:** Sorry I forgot

 **sashaaa:** try not to do it again

 **sashaaa:** and please stop leaving people in the Spiral, I hate coming out of my room and seeing someone screaming outside my door

 **Distortion:** I'll try to leave them in a different hallway sorry

 **Distortion:** Okay, I'm leaving now for real

 **sashaaa:** oh dammit

 **sashaaa:** i forgot to bring knives

 **sashaaa:** michael can you run back to the Spiral real fast and get some from my rooms since you just left?

 **Distortion** : I don't think that's necessary

 **sashaaa** : I'm going to have trouble cutting the pie without a knife

 **Distortion** : I happen to have some portable knives

 **sashaaa** : ….

 **sashaaa** : miCHAEL WE CAN'T USE YOUR KNIFE HANDS FOR FOOD HANDLING

distortion: Why not????

 **sashaaa** : MICHAEL ITS UNSANITARY WE'LL GET GERMS

 **Distortion** : Can eldritch monsters carry germs?

 **sashaaa** : I don't want to risk it its gross you might as well be karate chopping my pie

 **Distortion** : Sasha please I don't want to go back I already left

 **sashaaa** : we cant have pie if you don't take two minutes, summon a doorway, go to my part of the hallways, get a knife out of my cupboard, and come back

 **Distortion** : Are you sure?

 **Distortion** : Are you absolutely, 100% sure that we can't use my knife hands?

 **sashaaa** : ….

 **sashaaa** : Michael. what aren't you telling me

 **Distortion** : FINE.

 **Distortion** : I DON'T LIKE YOUR PART OF THE SPIRAL

 **Distortion** : IT UNNERVES ME

 **Distortion** : IT'S TOO CLEAN AND ORGANIZED

 **Distortion** : THERE'S A WELL THOUGHT OUT COLOR SCHEME AND THE DECORATIONS MAKE SENSE

 **Distortion** : THE FLOOR PLAN IS *ACTUALLY LOGICAL.*

Distortion: IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE I DON'T LIKE GOING THERE

 **sashaaa** : oh boo hoo my roommate minored in interior design and her living quarters are too pretty for me 

**sashaaa** : fine we can use your knife hands

 **sashaaa** : but only because I'm nice

 **Distortion** : :)


	3. SURPRISE DISCORD SERVER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is turning into a avatar group chat fic. you know why? because I'm a clown  
> avatar discord server time!!! >:)  
> get ready for some painful puns. it's only going to get worse from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> couple of things  
> technically hezekiah wakely should be dead or something? he's here because he's my king and i can do whatever i want. the world is my oyster and i'm h u n g r y.  
> jared hopworth is canonically homophobic. he's an idiot so i'm gonna have fun making fun of him :)

Spooky Scary Avatars

_ #introduction _

**spider-girl**

hello everyone and welcome to our avatar Discord server! 

My name is Annabelle Cane, she/her, I’m an avatar of The Web.

**Mr. Lonely**

Peter Lukas. ~~Married to~~ ~~Divorced~~ ~~Engaged to~~ ~~Married to~~ ~~Divorced~~ ~~Married to~~ ~~Divorced~~ Married to Elias Bouchard. I do not have pronouns, please do not refer to me.

_ (edited) _

**El-EYE-as**

Elias Bouchard, Head of the Magnus Institute, London. I am married to my stupid dumbass husband, Peter Lukas. He/him. Avatar of The Eye. I know what you did.

**Boneafide Avatar**

Name’s Jared Hopworth. Avatar of The Flesh. I can and will steal your knee caps. I like gardening and weight lifting.

**spider-girl**

Jared, you need to put your pronouns in your introduction

**Boneafide Avatar**

no

**worms….**

Hi. I’m jane prentiss and I like worms

**spider-girl**

**@worms** ….  pronouns?

**worms….**

worms

**spider-girl**

Jane’s pronouns are she/her

**worms…**

worms

**Don’t Wakely Me Up**

Hezekiah Wakely. I am an avatar of the Buried. I like dirt. and sleeping in dirt. My only hobby is sleeping. I don’t know that’s really all I care about.

**worms….**

wait weren’t you born like. 200 years ago

**Don’t Wakely Me Up**

Yes. What about it.

**worms….**

nevermind i don’t even want to open that can of worms

**SKY HIGH**

Ha ha! Worms!!!

Simon Fairchild! He/Him, avatar of the Vast. I like being up high and also being high >:)

**El-EYE-as**

Nice simon, you wanna hook me up?

**SKY HIGH**

I do know a guy >:)

**fire lesbian**

what the hell is this

**spider-girl**

it’s a discord server Jude

**fire lesbian**

absolutely not. I do not want to be here. I hate all of you. I’m leaving

**spider-girl**

You can’t.

**El-EYE-as**

OOOH! I See what you did

Clever 

**fire lesbian**

i fucking hate it when you do that i hate it i hate it i hate you stop Knowing things stop it stop it stop

**worms….**

what did she do

**El-EYE-as**

Somehow she worked things out so that we can’t leave the server. Just like the institute.

**spider-girl**

:)


	4. discord server: the sequel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sasha what are you doing in my avatar discord server

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't think of anything funny to say and you know what they say: if you can't say anything funny don't say anything at all  
> btw it is 3 am and i am very tired. good luck alaksdhgkdh
> 
> THIS IS THE ONE THIS IS THE HOMOPHOBIC JARED CHAPTER >:) not very sexy of him

October 2 - 5:09

**Distortion** : Did you see the meme I sent you?

**sashaaa:** yes i did

**sashaaa:** that was singlehandedly the most deep fried meme i’ve seen in my life

**sashaaa:** well done

**Distortion:** Oh, I didn’t make it. Someone from that Discord server I’m on did.

**sashaaa:** michael

**sashaaa:** michael i know its probably your goal being crazy spirally madman and all but im going to lose my mind youve referenced this discord server 12 million times and yet i still have absolutely no information about it whatsoever

**Distortion:** You know what?

**Distortion:** I’ll just add you

**sashaaa:** you don’t have to do that 

**sashaaa:** i just want to know what it’s for

**Distortion:** It’s just some…

**Distortion:** Colleagues.

**sashaaa:** the parentheses are making me nervous

**Distortion:** I’ll add you anyway

October 2 - 5:11 PM

_ #general _

**Distortion**

Can I add a friend?

**spider-girl**

sure!

\--> **sashaaa** has entered the server

**sashaaa**

hi! I’m Sasha :)

you’re all michael’s friends?

**SKY HIGH** **  
** friends, yes ;) ;) ;)

**worms….**

simon stop flirting with people

**fire lesbian**

i fucking hate his guts I hate it here I hate all of you so no I wouldn’t use the word friends

**sashaaa**

oh.

**SKY HIGH**

Sorry, Sasha, jude’s a little fiery

;)

**Boneafide Avatar**

ha ha ha fire

get it because desolation

**SKY HIGH**

Yes, Jared, we get it.

**fire lesbian**

i hate it here

**Distortion**

Sorry I left, I had to... deliver a message. You know how it is.

Anyway! Everyone meet Sasha.

**sashaaa**

oh michael before I forget I’m going to be home late

Jon’s keeping me late after work, something about being sick or injured or something and needing to go to the hospital? so I have extra work to do

**Distortion**

Oh no, that’s awful! Definitely don’t know anything about that or what you’re talking about. Not at all.

**Boneafide Avatar**

hehehehe

**Distortion**

What is it, Jared

**Boneafide**

are you two

you know

_ boning _

**sashaaa**

AKHGDKHSGIOKHG EW NOOOOO    
  


**Distortion**

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

**sashaaa**

that’s disgusting i would never

**Distortion**

Jared, I’m gay.

**Boneafide Avatar**

ha ha ha yeah you are 

gay bitch ha ha ha

**Distortion**

No, I’m actually literally attracted to men

**Boneafide Avatar**

wait what

**sashaaa**

michael and I are roommates

**worms….**

and they were roommates

**spider-girl**

oh my g-d they were roommates

**El-EYE-as**

**|** Jon’s keeping me late after work, something about being sick or injured or something and needing to go to the hospital? so I have extra work to do

**@sashaaa** WAIT A MINUTE

SASHA JAMES?

**sashaaa**

how did you know my n

ELIAS BOUCHARD???   
  
**El-EYE-as**

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE AVATAR SERVER????   
  


**sashaaa**

WHAT ARE Y _ OU  _ DOING ON THE AVATAR SERVER??????????

WAIT THIS IS AN AVATAR SERVER???

MICHAEL   
  


**spider-girl**

>:)

**El-EYE-as**

FUCK YOU ANNABELLE

YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS DIDN’T YOU   
  


**sashaaa**

WHaT iS GoING oN????

MICHAEL WE ARE HAVING A  _ CONVERSATION  _ WHEN I GET HOME

**Distortion**

Oh! I knew I was forgetting to mention  _ something. _   
  


**fire lesbian**

you all are stupid fucks i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here


	5. apparently if you stab your friend's friends they'll get mad? who could have known

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i can't think of anything funny to say sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jurgenleitner?stupididiotmotherfuckingjurgenleitnerg--damnfoolbookcollectingdusteatingratoldbastardshitheadidiotavatarofthewhorebiggestclowninthecircuslaughedoutoftowncowboymotherfuckingjurgenleitner.stoppinningmewhenitalkaboutjurgenleitnerihatehimsomuchwhydoeshehavesomanyfuckedupbookswhydidhedecidetofuckaroundandfindoutjustsetthemloose.ishedead?isheabastard?manhassuchavisceraleffectonmenotevenintheroomneverseenthisman'sfaceandiknowhehastheworld'sshittiestbeardgetAWAYfromme.ifigottoheavenangdsaid"jurgenletiner'swaitinginside"iwouldpissongd'sfeetforthesolepurposeofgettingsentbackdown.ifihavetodealwithjurgenleitnerspeakingonewordinpersononvoiceinpodcastnotonlywilliclosemytabiwilldeletemybookmarkoutofspiteandhavetorewatchtheentireseriesoveragainforthesolepurposeofskippingalltimeswhereheismentionedoralive.hebetterhavesomefuckedupbackstorytoexplainthisifhe'sjustsomerichshitheadwholikedcreepypastasandwantedtheirlversioni'llgoham.betterhavehadabookmakehimkillamancauseifhedidn'tillmakehim.paypal.com/ifuckinghatejurgenleitner.episode'snotevenabouthim.vaguelymentionedwhatissupposedtomaybebehislibraryandilostit.wherethefuckisjurgenleitnerifhe'sstillalivei'mgoigntosodeeplywishhewasn't.i'llpunchleitnerandhissadfrailoldmantwigboneswillflakeapartundermyepichugemeatfistuntilallthat'sleftofhimisonebookhekeptonhimatalltimesimplytitledNowYouFuckedUpinancientyiddish.crustyoldman.ihopethere'sadategivenforwhenjurgendiedorwilldiesoicansetareminderonmyphone.everyyeariwillseeitanddoanythingbutpayrespectstothemanwhohadsomanyfuckedupiftruebooks.

October 4 - 10:02 AM

**Distortion** : Sasha I said I'm sorry

**distortion** : Sasha

**distortion** : Sasha please come home the Spiral is no fun by myself

**distortion** : Sasha please come home I'm lonely

October 4 - 5:57 PM

**Distortion** : I bet wherever you're staying doesn't have LED strobe lights.

**sashaaa** : yeah well "wherever I'm staying" doesn't have carpet that gives me a migraine if I look at it too long

**sashaaa** : and tim doesnt break into my friend/boss's office and stab him.

**Distortion** : That's a low blow

**sashaaa** : SO WAS STABBING JON SIMS.

**Distortion** : I said I was sorry!

**sashaaa** : yeah, to *me*

**Distortion** : What would you like me to do? Give the Archivist a card that says "sorry I stabbed you"?

**sashaaa** : couldn't hurt

**Distortion** : You're kidding.

**Distortion:** I'm not going to make the Archivist a card like a kindergartener writing their teacher an "iM soRRy I waS bAd iN cLasS" note

**sashaaa** : if you write Jon an apology letter I'll come home

**Distortion:** Sasha please

**Distortion:** Sasha I don't want to

**Distortion:** Sasha no

**sashaaa:** Tim's carpet is so nice and non-migraine inducing

**sashaaa:** I could stare at it for hours

**Distortion:** FINE. I'll do it.

**sashaaa:** :) I'll be over for breakfast tomorrow

**Distortion:** I'll do it on one condition

**sashaaa:** what

**Distortion:** you let me redecorate your room >:)

**sashaaa:** ABSOLUTELY NOT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i spent more time reciting the jurgen leitner rant than i did writing this chapter. fun fact I Fucking Hate Jurgen Leitner is 1544 characters long. yes I have it memorized kindly do not @ me at this time.


End file.
